


The Sins of the Past

by shudder



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cults, Dubious Consent, Ginger Kankri Vantas, Ginger Karkat Vantas, Humanstuck, M/M, Running Away, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shudder/pseuds/shudder
Summary: “I want to leave with you, Karkat. I want to be free of the complex, of the People, of our obligations. I want to be with you in the outside world. Will you go with me?”
Relationships: Kankri Vantas/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	The Sins of the Past

Normally, a college-aged brother would absolutely despise having to watch his younger brother. Normally, an adult younger brother would refute even the slightest insinuation that he needed to be babysat. That’s what happens in most families. However, in the Vantas household, there’s no getting out of any assigned duties, and definitely not when the family’s safety is concerned. So rather than attempting to worm his way out of it, Kankri has come to enjoy the times he has been charged with his younger brother. What better person to use as a test subject for the sermons he’ll be giving when he’s in charge, than the second-born? Karkat will be taking over if Kankri falls ill, of course. He’ll have to at least know the basic tenets of what he’s supposed to end up preaching. Kankri’s never even seen him with a copy of the Book.

“Karkat, it’s so great to see you’ve finally come around to the right side and stopped fighting the rules,” Kankri remarks as Karkat stares at the wall behind him. “Of course, father and I have different views on how leadership should work among the People, but I promise that once I’m in charge, you will have as much freedom as you’d like. Within the complex, of course, we can’t have you wandering off  _ that _ far,” he punctuates this with a slight chuckle; the thought of letting the youngest son of the Sufferer leave the complex is so completely ridiculous, he can’t help it, but Karkat would at least be able to leave the building without a guard. That’s something he’s willing to let happen when he’s in control.

Karkat, however, doesn’t seem to think of the freedom Kankri is offering in the same way. “I’m a fucking adult, I should be allowed to go wherever I want. Whenever I want.” He crosses his arms and moves his gaze to his brother. “It’s like fucking prison. Which would probably be better, because I would at least have more than you to be around. The outside world is probably the best and that’s why dad doesn’t want us leaving.”

He’s being ridiculous. The outside world is awful! That’s why the Sufferer has all of them closed off like this, to keep everyone safe. Kankri has been out there, he’s seen first hand what horrors await the People if they were to ever leave. He stands with his father’s decision, he knows it’s the right one. Why can’t Karkat see that? He relays those exact thoughts to his brother, who only reacts with a grunt. Kankri doesn’t understand it - how are he and his brother almost identical in looks, yet so different in every other way?

He sits down next to Karkat, trying his hardest to put on a show of brotherly affection. It’s awkward, throwing his arm around the shorter boy and trying to be this family unit. They were never the perfect siblings, hardly knowing anything about each other beyond their names. Recently, however, he’s been trying to get closer with him, if only to make him understand his obligation to the People. Karkat’s never been able to put aside his own foolish desires for the good of the whole, not like Kankri. He has given everything up for the People, why can’t Karkat just give up his teenage rebellion?

“Why are you touching me?” he asks, every inch of his flesh looking like it wants to leap off his bones. He scoots further away on the couch, until Kankri’s arm is just hanging limp at his side and they’re as far apart as two people can get on a sofa.

“Karkat, I want you to know how important you are to the People. You have an obligation, you were born for a reason. I want to make you my second in command when it’s my turn to take control. I want to be able to trust that power to you.” He tries to smile, to make his words seem like they’re coming from a place of brotherly love rather than lineal obligation. He does have a certain…fondness for the kid, but he’s not sure if love is something he’s even allowed to feel. The leader has to be distant, ready to cut away aberrations at the drop of a hat. Kankri can’t afford to love his brother, just as their father has never been able to afford to love them.

Karkat glares at him, his unkempt hair falling in front of his deep blue eyes. He’s always pouting, always irritated. Kankri’s used to that, but this is anger, flaming and finally boiling over. The way he’s talking, the tears at the corners of his eyes, Kankri can tell this has been a long time coming. So he sits and takes what’s coming. He’s hoping that once he’s said what he needs to say, they can have a proper dialogue about what the complex and its inhabitants need from him.

“You’re always fucking saying that I need to ‘do what’s best for all of us.’ Have you ever considered what’s best for me? Have you or dad ever given a single shit about my needs? My dreams? I’m not like you, Kan. I’m not fucking brainwashed into being the proper good boy that dad wants me to be, I don’t care about the People, I want to be my own fucking person for once! I want to go outside, I want to know what it feels like to be free, really free!” He’s standing, his cheeks a bright red, his small hands balled up at his sides. Then, he cries.

Real, palpable tears fall from his eyes, streaming down his face. Kankri has never seen him like this, he’s never really seen him express any emotion except annoyance, really, so this is a whole new territory. He’s not sure how to react, he’s still just sitting on the couch. For once, he’s speechless. Or, as speechless as a Vantas can get. “I’m not brainwashed. I just know my place in society. It’s best you know yours, or you’ll risk upsetting the delicate balance this household and the People themselves live in. I’m going to be going to my room now. Since you seem not to care about yourself, or any of us for that matter, you’re free to do what you please. Leave. But don’t expect to come back after what you’ve said about us; I’m relaying everything to the Sufferer. He’ll decide what to do with you.” He stands up, drawing himself to his full height, looking down his nose at his brother. “You want your life? Go ahead and get it.” His finger jabs in Karkat’s direction, and then he leaves to his bedroom.

* * *

Karkat’s not back for dinner. It’s probably best that he took his advice and left now, rather than trying to sneak off when their dad was around. That would be a nightmare for all of them. This, at least, will only be a nightmare for Karkat. That’s for future worrying, however, so for now, Kankri just makes dinner. He chops up some veggies and throws them in a pan, lamenting his father’s insistence that the complex not have microwaves.

Quickly, he chastises himself for that thought. Everything the leader decides is the right decision. The Sufferer knows what’s best for the People. So it is written in the Book.

The dinner is nice, if lonely. He usually has at least the company of Karkat to speak at. It’s hard to practice sermons with no audience. It’s unbecoming of a future leader to talk to oneself. It’s weird with Karkat being gone. His heart starts racing, a stampede of horses in his chest; what if he doesn’t come home? What if he stays outside forever, and Kankri has to instruct the People alone? What if he never sees his brother again; they spent their whole lives together, and as much as he found being around him painful, he can’t imagine his life without him. Should he go and save Karkat? He could leave and be back before the Sufferer, he’d never even know what happened.

Stop it. Hold on. He is not about to start entertaining such blasphemous ideas, he could be culled for even daring to think that dreck. Karkat will have to return on his own, as much as the thought of him being out in the world and away from Kankri’s protection fills the firstborn with terror. He misses him, he really does. Was it just earlier he was thinking that he couldn’t love the poor kid? That there was no time in the world or room in his heart for things like family? He needs him. For the first time, he’s realizing how much his life truly revolves around his brother, how things are hard without having his energy around.

It’s strange. It’s scary.

He misses Karkat.

* * *

When the Sufferer gets back, Kankri is sitting on the couch, idly reading the Book in an effort to take his mind off of the pain. His whole body is throbbing without his brother around to calm his nerves. Their dad opens the door like normal, but when he turns to say hi, he immediately knows something is off. Karkat is never out of Kankri’s sight. “Junior, where is your brother?” it’s a statement, a command, not than a question. The Sufferer doesn’t have questions, he only has answers; that’s one of the phrases that’s been ingrained in Kankri since birth.

He means to tell the truth, he does, but something stops him. He’s falling more and more into sin and blasphemy by the minute. He has never lied to the Sufferer before now and he knows he’ll remember this moment forever. He doesn’t even really know why he doesn’t give the whole story, but something about it feels wrong. “I am unsure.” That part at least is true. “I went to use the restroom and he was gone when I got back. He neglected to even leave a note, which I found odd considering his tendency to make his innermost thoughts public. I’m worried about him. For the way his departure might hurt the People, I mean.” He quickly corrects himself, subconsciously pulling his posture up. His father needs to believe Kankri had no part in this, and no vested interest, if only because he’d never let him go on the search party otherwise. If there’s a search party.

“I see.” He cocks his head to the side. “Well, I suppose if little Karkat thinks he’s old enough to wander off we have to let him. He will see the error of his ways, Junior. When he does, he shall receive his punishment and then be welcomed back into the complex. It’s only right for a first offense.”

Kankri meekly replies, “Okay, father. I’m going to lay on my bed, if that’s alright.” He doesn’t wait to get permission, just gets up and nods before walking off. His feet feel unsteady, like he’s had too much ceremonial wine, and it takes all his effort not to fall.  _ We have to let him. Karkat has to be allowed to make his own mistakes. _ When did that become a rule? Just today he was placed in charge of watching him, to go with him if he needed to leave the house. Suddenly he’s old enough to go out into the world? To face the evils that await out there, so terrible that no one except the Sufferer (and by extension, Kankri) and his bodyguards are allowed out?

The tears start as soon as he throws himself on the bed. They sting his eyes; it’s been so long since he’s cried it feels like he’s forgotten how. But his body tries its best, huge breaths coming in before being released in sobs, his pillow getting wet, the salty taste assaulting his mouth as he tries to get oxygen. He has to be quiet, has to lower his volume before his dad walks in. The People need him to be stoic. He has to be everything that his father is and more if he expects them to trust him with the title upon the passing of their dear Sufferer.

Try as he might to stay silent, he screams and screams into his pillow. He’s never allowed himself this anger before, but it’s infecting his whole being as he gives in, climbing up through his gut into his head as he lets it out with as much force as the universe will allow him. It’s freeing. It’s unbecoming. It’s both these things and more, it’s a small token of what he could never be. Truly free, the way Karkat is now allowing himself to be. He wants it, he wants to be able to run and fly and jump and fucking  _ microwave his dinner.  _

Kankri’s jealous of his brother. Karkat is out in the world, doing everything forbidden, probably falling in love and never coming back. And Kankri isn’t there. He’s stuck at home, missing his brother and jealous of him and imagining his death. He doesn’t know what life is going to be like without him. He doesn’t even want to imagine it but here he is, living it.

He has half a mind to leave right now to find his brother, to live in the outside with him and never leave his side. He knows he won’t, that the eldest son of the Sufferer isn’t just going to leave the complex, but he can hope.

He’s going down a very dangerous, very blasphemous path today. He can only hope that Karkat will travel down it with him if they ever meet again.

* * *

He doesn’t know when he fell asleep, but he wakes to the Sufferer’s voice. His brain is fogged with images of the outside world, so it takes a moment to register what is being said. It clicks when he hears “Karkat” come out of his dad’s mouth. Is he really back? Already?

Kankri jumps out of bed, still fully dressed in yesterday’s clothes, and runs downstairs. He takes a moment before turning into the living room to smooth out his clothing and calm his mind. His father is lecturing Karkat about the immense foolishness he displayed by running off when Kankri walks in.

“There you are. Explain to your brother what an irresponsible little boy he is. I have things to attend to with the Disciple, I don’t have time for this.” His eyes bore into Kankri’s soul for a moment, and he feels naked in that space. Like his father can see all his intentions. It seems like he’s right about to be called on his blasphemes when the Sufferer turns and leaves. “I’m trusting you to do what’s right, Kankri Junior.”

The sound of his name from his father’s mouth sends a chill through his body, but Kankri stays steadfast in the decision he woke up with. As terrifying as the thought is, he’s leaving and taking his brother with him. Even if it means divine retribution. Even if they have to face the horrors of the world. He wants Karkat to be happy. He knows that he’s willing to do anything for that to happen, and to be there with him.

He turns to say something to Karkat, who interrupts him with a snarl. “I know, I know, it was ‘deeply irresponsible and quite atrocious behavior for me to run off like that, with no regard for how it might make the family look to the People.’ I get it.” His deep blue eyes roll, and Kankri feels like looking into those eyes and never looking away.

“No. It was the right choice,” he says, gauging Karkat’s reaction before continuing. Karkat, for his part, just looks stunned, but he stays quiet, awaiting the “but” that would usually come after such a statement. Not today, however. “I want to leave with you, Karkat. I want to be free of the complex, of the People, of our obligations. I want to be with you in the outside world. Will you go with me?”

“Please.” His voice is barely above a whisper, as if he’s afraid to be any louder, like he can’t risk this being a trick. Truthfully, he can’t, Kankri thinks. Karkat can’t risk any missteps at this point.

Now that they’re in this together, this forsaking of everything they’ve known until this point, neither of them can risk a single wrong move. Anything done wrong is at the risk of being culled. “Okay,” he replies. Neither of them has any other words. They both just know what to do.

Karkat follows Kankri to his room. It’s strange. Karkat is very protective of the small amount of privacy the Sufferer gives him, so they never enter each other’s rooms. This is an extenuating circumstance, however, so Kankri feels that it’s alright to let him in. They’re not going to have any privacy from each other for the next…well, the rest of their lives, he supposes. Somehow, that thought calms his nerves a bit, knowing Karkat will never be farther than arms’ reach from him.

Together, they pack a single bag. A change of clothes each, a few sandwiches. Birth certificates. Kankri almost packs his copy of the Book, but ultimately decides to leave it. There’s no room in this new life they’re about to build for the Sufferer and his doctrines.

Then they leave.

* * *

It’s uneventful at first. There’s a breeze blowing as they slowly walk through the complex, saying hi to the others as they pass by. No one ventures very far from the central buildings, so they don’t have to worry about being seen leaving. There’s no guards. No one is forcefully kept in, they’re all kept in under threats and obligations. Each time Kankri does something he never was allowed to do, he takes a moment to wonder what stopped him before. Why has he never just went on a walk outside the complex? Why hasn’t he ever asked to go somewhere else?

Is it the fear of the outside, or is it the fear of being culled? He’s scared either way. His heart feels like it’d be beating right out of his chest if he didn’t have Karkat’s steely resolve to take comfort in. He tightens the straps of his backpack as they step out of the complex. They’ve done it. They’ve left their whole lives behind, everything they know. Now, they have to figure out what lays ahead.

“What now?” Karkat asks, mirroring Kankri’s thoughts. They walk quickly, hoping to get out of sight of the complex as fast as possible. They’re surrounded by sand, desolation, no need to worry about casual observers, so they’re practically running.

Kankri shakes his head and purses his lips. “I don’t know. Obviously we need to find someplace to sleep, and some source of food. But how?” It’s not like they have any money—the complex doesn’t use currency of any form—but they can work. Karkat has a strong body, and Kankri has a strong mind. They can find something, right?

Before any of that, however, they have to cross the desert.

* * *

There’s a city at the very edges of where they can see, the one Kankri and his father visited with the bodyguards all those years ago. He knows that’s the only place they can go, and probably where Karkat went last night. Kankri wants to ask, to know if he walked all the way there before turning back, but it feels rude. Like he would say something if there was something to be said.

So they walk in silence. It’s hot, but not any hotter than either of them are used to. There’s enough water to drink, and if Kankri tries hard enough he can pretend that they’re just out for a brisk walk. He’s trying his hardest.

Eventually, Karkat speaks up. “I didn’t get this far yesterday. I got scared. Without you, I mean. You know so much more than me about life.” His cheeks are bright red. “That makes me weak, I know.”

Kankri stops walking for a moment, but when Karkat doesn’t follow suit, he quickly catches back up to him. “Karkat. You aren’t weak. I didn’t know how much I’d miss you when I yelled at you. I…I cried all night. I can’t live without you. I don’t know a single thing about myself without you,” he says, a crack in his voice. The tears are welling up in his eyes again and he swallows the lump in his throat. He isn’t about to break down in front of Karkat. He needs to be strong.

“Thank you.”

“Thank  _ you. _ ” Kankri doesn’t know to deal with all these complicated emotions and he can tell Karkat doesn’t either. So instead of saying anything else, he just reaches out and takes Karkat’s hand. It’s softer than he thought it’d be, and their fingers fit together perfectly. They make just the slightest of eye contact before Karkat looks away. He doesn’t let go of Kankri’s hand, however.

* * *

Kankri’s not sure how long they’ve walked, but eventually they enter the city. He’s distinctly aware of how empty his hand feels when Karkat pulls his away. He instinctively reaches back out, but catches himself. This is the right thing, keeping a low profile. Two men holding hands might draw some eyes.

As he looks around himself, however, he sees that might not entirely be true. His memory of this place must be fading or inaccurate, because as he walks past the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign—that’s what this place is called! He’s never been allowed to know the name—the world he knew crumbles away. The lights, the people, the suntans. Kankri’s stepped into a parallel universe with his brother and he never intends to go back.

Neither of them are able to keep from gazing upwards as they walk. Buildings this size are something neither of them have ever dreamed of. Kankri’s attention keeps getting pulled by the pyramid in the distance. Sharing this experience with his brother is worth leaving the complex, he knows that for sure. Regardless of what happens next, they have this moment.

They walk through the city, staying on the main street. The best cover they have right now is the crowd, so that’s what they use. Kankri’s not even sure at this point what they’re hiding from, but they don’t feel out of the woods just yet. So they try to blend in.

“Karkat, we need to find shelter. That’s our first goal, the rest will follow,” Kankri says when they sit down in a parking garage to have some dinner. It seems that with the sun setting, more people are out instead of less.

“We can always just sleep here. It’s not like we’re gonna have any better choices with no money.” His demeanor is tense, which isn’t unusual, but this time Kankri wants to soothe that tension. To run his fingers through his hair and make everything better.

It’s unsettling, suddenly having all these endearing thoughts toward the boy he barely tolerated yesterday. He can’t help it, his mind is being taken over by his brother. Holding him, loving him. It’s only natural, brothers should be the most important person in each other’s lives. He’s sharing such blasphemous acts with him, why shouldn’t he share his whole being? All he was meant to be, everything in his life was preparing him to be the leader of the People. That’s all gone now. All he has is Karkat now.

* * *

Eventually, they find a place to settle down for the night. It’s not comfortable, but it’ll have to do. Kankri pulls Karkat close. He doesn’t ever want to let go. This is his Karkat, the only person he has left in the world. His.

He finds himself nuzzling into Karkat’s thick hair, breathing in the musky scent of a day’s walking in the hot sun. It would normally be disgusting, but because it’s Karkat, he wants to smell nothing else forever. His hands slowly drop from Karkat’s side to his thigh, and eventually to his groin.

Karkat says nothing, but moves ever so slightly so that Kankri’s hand is directly against the bulge in his pants. He opens his hand, placing the heel of it right onto Karkat’s cock, and he whines in response. High pitched, right into Kankri’s ear. He rubs a few times, eliciting more noises from his brother, and then slowly, he reaches his hand into the waistband.

His cock is warm and soft, trembling under his touch. Karkat’s breath hitches a bit, and Kankri wiggles closer, pressing his own cock into his ass.

“Kankri, wait, this is wrong,” Karkat suddenly says, but he’s started slightly grinding onto Kankri’s hand.

“No, it’s not. This is so right. Who knows you better than I, Karkat? Who do you need more than anyone? What would the rational answer be except for us to know each other in this way?” and as he says it, he starts believing it more and more. There’s only one way for them to be from now on, as brothers and as lovers. Kankri loves him, he would do anything for him.

Karkat starts fucking into his hand, and he grinds against Karkat’s ass even harder. “Yes, you’re right, fuck, Kankri, yes,” he mumbles, as his speed picks up. He climaxes quickly, quietly, in shudders, and Kankri finishes himself off right after.

They lay quietly after that. Kankri basks in the feeling, of knowing his whole being is with his brother now. He wonders what’s going on in Karkat’s head, if he’s having the same thoughts, or if he’s regretting it. He doesn’t worry about that for too long, however; Karkat curls in tight, and gives him a very soft and chaste kiss on the lips.

“‘Night Kankri. If you snore I will fucking murder you,” he says, and then it’s lights out for both of them.

Kankri dreams of distant lands, lives he could have lived but didn’t.

* * *

After a few weeks of begging and sleeping wherever they could find shelter, Kankri finally gets a job offer. His work leaves him tired at the end of the day and he has to leave Karkat to his own devices while he’s gone. Being away from him is terrifying, no matter how many times he does it, but it got them a nice hotel suite where they share a bed. So, he can’t complain too much.

About a week or so after he starts going to work, Kankri goes back to their room and collapses on the bed. Karkat is watching something on television, a cartoon about some family, and he turns to him. “Karkat, what if the Sufferer was right?”

“He wasn’t.” Karkat must be used to this by now, Kankri assumes. It seems every day he has some sort of freak out about the complex and the People, but today he has a reason.

“This was at the front desk for us.” Kankri holds up a letter. It’s addressed to “My Sons,” and signed with a familiar symbol.

Karkat takes it from his hands, reads it over and over again. “He can’t do this to us. We’re free now. Fuck him.”

“But don’t you see? We lost. He found us. He even says in the letter, he should cull us for this. You don’t think he will, will he?” He waves his hands at the world, at everything. There’s no hope for them now.

“He’ll try.” There’s no humor in Karkat’s voice, nothing hopeful at all. Just the truth, as much as Kankri doesn’t want to admit it. The Vantas boys will be culled, or they’ll have to flee. The Sufferer would never let his own sons leave without consequence. If he did, then the People would think they’ll be allowed to leave.

Kankri doesn’t think many of them would even want to, would even think of it, but his father can’t risk that. Any disobedience must be punished. That was drilled into Kankri’s head as a child, and now it’ll be used against him. Unless they can find a way to save themselves.

Kankri sits up, steels himself for what he’s about to propose. “What if we go back? We’re strong. We know what we’re doing, now. We’ll apologize. Make things right. Dad’s getting old, soon he won’t be able to lead. When he passes on, we can show the People what life is really like.” He needs to do this. He still doesn’t really know why he left in the first place, and he still struggles with his upbringing sometimes, but now he understands. He needs to undo the hurt and pain his father created. This is why he was put on this planet.

“Are you sure? Shit could hit the fan so fast, Kankri. He could cull us,” Karkat replies, his uneasy eyes meeting Kankri’s.

“He’ll cull us either way. You know it’s true. At least this way, it’s on our terms. We didn’t chicken out and run. This is our chance to change lives, Karkat.” He leans in for a kiss, and Karkat kisses back. So much is said in kisses between the two of them, and this one was saying that they’ll live and die together, if they must. That if this is their last act together, defiance against their father, then so be it. They may be culled, but they’ll die in each others’ arms.

* * *

They leave everything behind except their cash, which they hide in their socks, and walk back to the complex. It seems shorter this time. Maybe it’s the fact that they know what they’re getting into. Regardless of why, Kankri is back at the complex and face to face with his father much sooner than he’d prefer.

“You think you can forsake me like that and just waltz back in when you’ve had enough of the outside?” he asks. He leans back on his haunches and crosses his arms. Somehow, this is a scarier stance than when he towers over the boys, his relaxed confidence much more intimidating than anything else.

Kankri bows his head and replies, “No, sir. We fully understand the consequences of our actions. We want to atone for our blasphemes and become one with the People again.”

“It was irresponsible of us to think there was any untruth to the tenets the Book says of the outside world. We have been proven wrong and wish to be brought back into the complex and the faith,” Karkat adds. Kankri is impressed with his knowledge of sermons, he’s never heard that sort of rhetoric out of the boy’s mouth before. It makes sense he’d only be able to say it when he’s asking for forgiveness, though. It’s just like him.

The Sufferer considers for a moment. He’s wearing his usual impassive expression, but Kankri has had enough preaching lessons with him to know he’s already decided in the first few seconds. The rest is to make them feel sufficiently nervous and willing to accept any result.

What the Sufferer doesn’t realize, however, is they would’ve accepted anything gratefully. They just needed an in.

“Alright. But Kankri, you will have to teach your brother about the ways of the People, and I expect both of you to follow them. Any deviations will be dealt with. Is that understood?”

Both of them nod. Kankri lets out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t actually expecting this to work, he was expecting to be culled on sight. This is good. This is workable. They’ll make it out of here alive, they have to.

Their love saved each other, and now it’ll save everyone in the complex. They just need to survive a few years.

They can do it together.


End file.
